DENVER -- President Bush toured the Denver Mint on Wednesday as the nation's paper money presses reached capacity. "We can print unlimited money because it's really only paper," Bush assured nervous Wall Street analysts. "But we need the right equipment or we let the terrorists win." Mint officials have ordered additional printing presses from Taiwan to keep up with surging demand. "We must print over a billion dollars a day to cover the $400 billion in red ink this year alone, and that puts enormous strain on our equipment," said Henrietta Fore, Director of the United States Mint. Mint officials are considering alternatives, such as a $200 bill, wooden nickels, and bartering with fowl. "We like to think outside the coop," winked Ms. Fore. Government spending, having leaped by 27% over the last two years alone, is creating unprecedented demand in the mint and paper industry. The price of high-grade paper has jumped to levels not seen since the heady Reagan era, stimulating economic activity in the industrial sector and saving the Bush economic plan. The President jauntily deflected criticism that toilet paper would soon be worth more than the national currency, stating this could happen "only if Tom Daschle's face gets on the bills." Plans for getting Bush's face on a new denomination are accelerating. House Majority Leader Tom Delay recommended it be used on a million dollar bill, which he claimed would be popular with the nation's burgeoning pack of upwardly mobile medievalists.

---